Day 1 Year 365

I had a birthing dream last night. These are not unusual for me. I have had dreams where I was in labor and giving birth (or alternatively helping someone else give birth. These are generally very realistic dreams, vivid and detailed with tactile sensations I can remember upon waking. It’s odd to me that I had dreams like this even at a youngish age, prior to my menstrual cycle or having the thing that might cause pregnancy to begin with. The first one I remember I was probably 13? I had a baby in the bathroom of our house, delivering it from myself and presenting it my mother and she was so very proud. It was a visceral experience down to feeling the soft hair on the baby’s head as he (for it was a boy) crowned.

Later, when I had my first child (and my mother was in the room and I do believe she was as close to her fullest emotions as I’d ever seen her) I reached down and touched his head (for it was a boy and still is) and it was just…exactly like the dream. Sea moss. Blood. Me. Him. All of it.

How could I know that experience when I’d not had it? Jung might say we have these collective memories? Someone said it before Jung I am entirely sure, because it seems likely to me that many, many people’s never really lost touch with that reality of collective self, collective memories. White culture has been cut off from it over time, and by our own hands. We did burn our own witches after all, and a lot of other culture’s too.

So, maybe I tapped into something.

I had a hysterectomy a few years ago. Coming up on four years. There was a reason to get it, and a good one, but I really dreaded the loss of that part of me. Held rituals to say goodbye to my uterus. Told a long story about about pre-operation at an event. It was a compelling month.

I hold my own kinds of spiritual superstition and I always felt like that organ, my uterus, was a kind of gateway and a portal. And I guess physically it did bring two children into the world so I can understand why I’d cling to that. But a good friend of mine just reminded me that you don’t lose the chakra when you lose the physical organ. And we all have that chakra (I mean if it actually really exists) no matter what actual organ is situated in that space.

My chakra has been really uncomfortable since the operation. My portal has been…